Hi Hus,
I've decided to email, as it seems difficult to communicate in a calm and loving manner these days. My hope is that we can have a constructive talk after you read this, but if you'd rather email back that's ok too. I want our communication to feel better!
"Your childhood trauma shows up in your long-term relationship".
I think that this is super important for both of us to acknowledge, and consider in our communication. Also, I would like to propose that we both agree that preserving our relationship by understanding each other's point of view is the most important goal of all of our communications - not "winning" or convincing the other of something, or being "right" or agreeing. I think if we can keep that first and foremost in our minds, we will be much more effective at communicating!
Also important to recognize is that when we're stressed, we both find it difficult to keep our cool (there's the childhood trauma as we feel like we're being attacked and must fight back). So if we commit to understanding each other, that can help to relieve the stress, as we don't need to agree or convince each other of anything.
Another factor in our current discussions is that as I've aged, I do not feel like I must agree with you, and you may feel that my challenging you is uncomfortable and adding to the stress.
When we have a difference of opinion, I have observed a response pattern from you that leaves me feeling hurt and dismissed. The pattern goes like this:
- disagreement leads to you raising your voice, then interrupting/cutting me off/not listening and getting increasingly agitated
- and if I continue the discussion, that leads to you mocking me, dismissively repeating what I'm saying, being sarcastic and often angrily walking out (while saying something snarky)
As I've noted above, I recognize that my challenging you is stress-inducing, which likely brings about this pattern, however, I need our communications to be positive and not scary. I shouldn't be worried about having a conversation with you!
We have a lot of years of history together, with both of us making communication errors and hurting each other's feelings. My hope is that we can agree that during all of our communications, no matter what the subject matter, the goal is understanding each other only! What do you think? It means that we ask each other questions, instead of telling each other what they should think. It's not about convincing the other of anything!
I really hope that we can move things in a more positive and loving manner. I don't want you to feel like I'm criticizing you - this is an "us" difficulty. I love and respect you so much, and I admire your many great qualities: determined, responsible, honest, considerate, hard-working, smart, dedicated, loyal, reliable and so much more. I just want things to be better between us!
Love,
Wife